THUNDERSTRUCK Review (1/3)//Sat 15th July
By Harry Miller
Michelangelo and The Sistine Chapel ceiling. Jean-Michel Basquiat’s Warrior. Carly Rae Jepsen’s Emotion. NORTH Thunderstruck. All magnum opuses of their genre, all masterpieces that can’t be bested. Over 700 members of the NORTH faithful packed the Walker Dome to watch a true spectacle. The biggest show ever deserves the biggest review ever which is why this has been split into three parts, make sure to check out the second and third parts after this one!
Amir Jordan vs Rampage Brown
A man who encapsulates the spirit of NORTH perfectly was the first to make his entrance, accompanied by a stellar drumming performance. Amir Jordan has NORTH in his heart and wore NORTH on his gear, ready to take on the seemingly impossible task of slaying Rampage Brown.
Knowing he was at a disadvantage, Jordan took the fight to Brown before the bell, hitting a huge dropkick to send his opponent outside. Jordan kept the pressure cooking, diving straight onto Brown before slamming his head into the ring post.
Back in the ring, Jordan hit his signature Swanton Bomb which had put so many foes away in the past but it takes a lot more than that to keep Rampage Brown down for three.
The Karachi Kid went back for another aerial assault but was caught and slammed down by a rampaging Brown. A spell of domination was now upon us with Brown causing mass amount of damage from repeated shoulder tackles and one spine-shattering ura nage that would leave anyone at rock bottom.
When all hope seemed fleeting, Jordan managed an away back into the match by catching a mid-air Brown with a superkick. After receiving so much punishment, Amir Jordan finally found a second wind and went for his second Swanton Bomb of the match but was met with a pair of knees as a landing spot.
This reversal was enough for Brown to deliver bad news in the form of a devastating piledriver. Just like that, Brown had beaten Jordan to the dismay of the hundreds of disappointed faithful.
Gene Munny vs HT Drake vs Jack Bandicoot vs Jet Martial vs Man Like DeReiss vs Will Kroos
Six men enter, and six men also leave because it’s not a fight to the death but it’s still pretty intense.
It took no time at all for Will Kroos to become a target for the rest of the competitors as his size advantage made him the biggest threat to their survival.
Once the Kroos threat had been temporarily eliminated, the alliances forged from mutual fear disappeared along with it. Each competitor tried to claim the ring but it was HT Drake who landed the best shot with a sensational rope-to-rope moonsault to take down Munny.
Before anyone could capitalise on their momentum, Will Kroos rose again and demolished everyone in sight with little regard to the human beings he was tossing round the ring.
Man Like DeReiss interrupted before Kroos could become too dominant and launched himself onto the collection of opponents on the outside. Never one to back away from a challenge, Jet Martial saw DeReiss’ dive and delivered one of his own but this one with the velocity of a fired bullet.
Gene Munny was the last man standing in the ring and decided to cap off the trio of aerial acrobatics with an insane swan dive onto the pile of bodies.
After the diving commotion, Munny was left alone in the ring with the monstrous Kroos. With any great David vs Goliath story, the giant usually has a weakness and the David of our story is an expert at this specific weakness.
Gene Munny hit a devilish low blow to Kroos but this was only the start of this villainous tactic. Man Like DeReiss came at Munny. Low blow. Jack Bandicoot came flying at Munny. Low blow. Jet Martial went for Munny. Low blow. HT Drake took a shot at Munny. Jet Martial-assisted low blow. Will Kroos had returned. Springboard low blow. Going low was cash money for Gene but it’s also an effective strategy to become the most hated man in the match.
Once the rest of the competitors found their way back to their feet, it took only a matter of time for vengeance to be struck. Everyone sans Kroos hit a four-way superkick to Munny before Will Kroos hit a hellacious low blow of his own.
With Munny out of commission, normal service had resumed with Bandicoot and Martial colliding at a supersonic speed only to be stopped by a DeReiss powerbomb intervention. The Lyrical Dragon tried to get a grip on the match’s momentum with another powerbomb on Munny but Drake slipped in behind and showed incredible strength, suplexing both men simultaneously.
The country’s best super heavyweight proved why he deserves that title as Kroos cleared the ring and delivered a devastating piledriver to Jack Bandicoot on the ring apron. Before Kroos could cause more damage, Man Like DeReiss decided to do the impossible and slam the 270lb beast. DeReiss didn’t stop there, going on to toss the rest of his opponents around the ring with ease.
Topping it all off, the Lyrical Dragon soared with a picture-perfect 450 splash onto Munny which was enough to secure a well-deserved pinfall victory.
Scotty 2 Hotty vs Shreddy
Scotty 2 Hotty was back in NORTH and what a momentous occasion it was. Everything about this man was electrifying, from his entrance through the crowd to the prolonged stripping of his hat. Before Scotty could strip even more off, Shreddy took a cheap shot at the former WWE Tag-Team champion.
Shreddy had not forgotten his previous humiliation at the hands of Scotty 2 Hotty and used that memory as fuel to his rage. The rage fuelled Shreddy charged at Scotty but his opponent was as slippery as a worm and dodged the attack like a matador would avoid a bull.
It would take more than that to keep England’s hardest man down as Shreddy came back with a vicious assault that included a tasteful amount of choking in the ring ropes. With Scotty laid out, Shreddy took the opportunity to have some fun and put on his foe’s bucket hat.
Now with the correct attire, Shreddy began the proceedings for the Worm was caught in the act by an enraged Scotty 2 Hotty.
The attitude-era star was seething at this mockery and retaliated the only way suitable; Scotty got a second bucket hat out of one of his many pockets and placed it atop his head. This new accessory had powered up S2H like never before, allowing him to deliver an abundance of blows before hitting his signature bulldog.
The stage was set, the crowd was electric and the Scotty was Hotty. It was the perfect moment for the most brutal move in all of wrestling: the Worm. Like no time had passed, Scotty 2 Hotty hit the Worm to a raucous ovation which was enough to earn the victory.